Today we will look at a monologue I had to write and present before the Hrothgarian Science division. It is very informative and introduces a concept I intent to expound upon in a fact book in later years. Butter-Cat science is one of my greatest areas of interest, and I hope you enjoy it as much I enjoyed writing it.

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My topic this afternoon is focused on an almost inexplicable phenomenon that has been around and in use since the dawn of time. It makes no sense and yet it’s a very reasonable force. We call this puzzle the Butter-Cat Scenario.

Just a quick explanation before we begin: The Butter-Cat Scenario takes the well-known fact that buttered bread always lands butter-side down the truth and cats always land on their feet, and it paradoxializes these things. In short, you bind buttered bread on the back of a cat with the butter-side up and drop the “butter-cat” you now have. As one would logically expect, the butter-cat will now be unable to land as it is can hardly land on both sides at once. Instead, it keeps trying to turn the right way, accelerating each second until it spirals out of control. You may wonder where this butter-cat draws enough energy to keep spinning, but that is a far more complex matter to be considered another time.

Our primary subjects this afternoon will be on the practical uses of a butter-cat, the issues we stumble upon in its use, and its history.

There are many practical, everyday uses for the butter-cat, and I will try not to reference any of these in my topics, so we will start with entertainment. You may enjoy going to the amusement park so that you might experience enjoyment and sickness simultaneously. Likely the most exciting rides were those ones that left you unable to stand on your feet afterwards with your head in the nearest waste bin. That’s why the butter-cat would be an excellent ride for you. Drop from the top of a tower on the back of an already prepared butter-cat and experience an exciting thrill ride that will leave you unable to tell up from down for weeks. 

There are also more dangerous uses for the butter-cat in areas of weaponry. You can develop faster and longer distance torpedoes, or use it to shoot projectiles outward at high speeds or strengthen rapid-fire artillery. 

Of course, I suggest using the butter-cat most dominantly in peaceful areas, which is why I strongly encourage applying it to energy-related matters. We can hook it up to a generator to produce an endless supply of clean energy. In fact, studies suggest you could power the entire world with just a single butter-cat.

So why, you might ask, don’t we do exactly that? Why don’t we power the world with butter-cats? This is because there are several unfortunate roadblocks that present themselves along the way, the first of these being the butter-cat’s unpredictability. Once it gets to a certain velocity, our butter-cat begins fluctuating in speed in a such a way that is highly unpredictable. At one moment it may be accelerating slowly, the next it’s decelerating swiftly, and then there may be no change in speed for over a century. We have no way tell. As a result, it can damage the generator badly if it can’t keep up with the change.

Another problem, and a more immediate one, is the butter-cat’s instability. The energy it draws from the Paradoxical realm (which I already said I will refrain from explaining) is such that can exist in all dimensions simultaneously. This means that the butter-cat will try and exist in all dimensions simultaneously. It will fail utterly, but it will still flicker from world to world, never resting in one place for longer than a moment. Fortunately, there are ways to solve this using interdimensionaly stable materials, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Finally, I want to look a bit into the history of the Butter-Cat Scenario and past experimentation. You may recall reading about an incident that didn’t take place very long ago in a Russian city named Chernobyl. It was claimed that a nuclear plant had some sort of meltdown, leaving the town too radioactive to live in. As you’ve no doubt already concluded, it was a failed butter-cat experiment that caused this. In fact, Chernobyl was the absolute worst location in the universe to experiment with butter-cats. The Russian butter-cat practically dropped through reality at a far faster rate than it does in normal circumstances, bouncing back up at a dangerous speed and eventually imploding, causing a piece of reality to disappear with it. Unfortunately, neither cat nor buttered bread survived this incident.

Not every experiment was a complete failure though. Atlantis thrived on Butter-Cat energy for over a hundred years and had far more advanced technology than we even have today. True, the island ended up sinking in the end when something went wrong, but they did pretty well for a while there.

So, now that you’ve seen the uses, the concerns, and the failures of the Butter-Cat Scenario, I hope you can clearly see why there is absolutely no reason not to start using butter-cats for the advancement of modern technology. I think it’s time we restart butter-cat science to march onward to a  healthier future for our descendants.

However, not everyone is happy with this advancement. After all, no one’s bothered to ask how the cat feels about it all.